NecromAnswers
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Just smell that heady bouquet. There’s a definite hint of oak in there, this is a necromancer who spent a lot of money on his first burial, there’s a richness to that. That hint of rot in the ichor really brings out the soft aftertaste of the arcane.
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Bro, do you even raise?
We often end up with a number of questions asking similar things at around the same time. The above question is very long, but I’m fortunate enough to have received the below a day or so afterward, which I think is a very good translation.
I find that the best response to this is the standard “U mirin’.”1
1. In this context, it should be noted that “mirin’” is used as shorthand not for “admiring”, but for,
The soil in this place has been so addled by the repeated raising of the dead that were once interred in it that it now suffers from significant issues with drainage. Coming close enough to ask this question was foolish, for you are now mired in the slushy mess and will surely die. If it’s any consolation, I will raise you from the dead.2
Fig. 1: As you can see from the state of the plant life, post-resurrection drainage issues plague the practical necromancer, particularly given the need for fresh herbs in modern necromancy.
2. This should not be any consolation, you will be a mindless and decaying meatbeast. -
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Introducing the NecromAnswers Apprenticeship Program
In answer to your question, yes, the truth is that the majority of the apprenticeships and correspondence courses out there for the would-be necromancer/liche/death priest/hierophant out there are little more than bait for those who would be parted from their souls. It’s no great secret among established necromancers, many of whom laugh openly if presented with any of the “certificates of necromantic practice” that these courses offer.Now that you know what to avoid, I would encourage you to check out our own web-based apprenticeship program.
- Work from home!
- Convert your home into a black tower! Convert your garden into a blighted marsh, into which animals will fall and screech before slow starvation takes them!
- Keep all of that precious grave gold (jewellery, fillings, etc.) for yourself!
- Cultivate a truly dreadful fashion sense!
- Raise the dead on your time, at your own pace!
- Work with your choice of zombies, mummies, skeletons, vampires, wraiths, and ghouls!
- If you
survivegraduate, you’ll receive a certificate on genuine flayed human flesh!* - Don’t waste your cash on expensive grimoires, our instructors will send you digital copies of all you need using our patented eTome technology.
*Where human flesh is unavailable, vellum may be used.
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In dealing with a now unwanted familiar, there are a number of options available to the affected necromancer.
- Disenchantment: Disenchantment is very straightforward, but can be traumatic for the necromancer involved. This is relatively easy in the case of once-inanimate familiars (as above) and should involve only minor dweomer disentangling. In the case of animal familiars, you may be forced to use a spade.
- Exorcism: If you feel you absolutely cannot bring yourself to (re)kill your familiar, you may call on the services of a local holy man to exorcise your familiar. In the case of animal familiars, any talented vet should be similarly equipped.
- Distancing: By a careful process of making the familiar strange, you can distance yourself sufficiently from the hapless creature that its enchantment will gradually fade. This is a tricky process, and a waste of arcane energies that could be better spent, but it is an option.
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Google search results for “Necromantic Magic” - 2 million.
Google search results for “SEO Magic” - 98.8 million.
I am in the wrong business.
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Curse of the Entrepreneuromancer
Necromancy is a fine line of business for an entrepreneur. You’ll find that you soon become adept at hoarding the arcane gewgaws that help with rituals. Moreover, most necromancers boast a healthy income of “grave gold” in the form of jewelry and dental fillings that people tend to be buried with.
It’s good that you find yourself already in possession of an entrepreneurial spirit; it would be a shame to have to summon one at this late stage. I’m sorry to say that the problem you’re encountering with your interns is far from unique. Indeed, it is one of the most common issues facing new necromancers.
There are a number of schemes offering internships to small and medium businesses, even mortality technicians like yourself. It can be tempting to limit yourself, but we find that you’ll get the best results if you take on as many interns as possible. This gives you room to maneuver.
From then on, you can follow our four step process:- Have your interns sign a waiver (if asked, assure them that this is simply an “insurance issue”).
- Ensure that the potent glyphs that will seal the death compact are enscribed on the back of the vellum as your hand it to them. Studies show that interns are far less likely to sign a contract whose scrawled sigils writhe in plain view, as though trying to escape the page.
- Murder your interns in cold blood. If possible, wait until they are unconscious to do so (you will need to preserve your strength for the next step).
- That they have signed the death pact (above) should ensure the reanimation process is easier in this case than you might be used to. This is particularly important if you have signed up a full complement of interns.
It might seem counterintuitive, but the average zombie is capable of learning to perform simple, repetitive tasks far more quickly than an able-minded student/intern. Moreover, these necrotic thralls will never suffer the boredom and fatigue common to so many interns. Instead, they can be depended upon to render tallow for your cursed candelabra, add anticoagulants to your various blood-based inks, and grind bones for your all-important summoning circles.
As with so many necromantic issues, more is always better. One should never have so few animate corpses at one’s command that one need fear a lynching from nearby villagers. Ideally, your horde should outnumber theirs.
No matter what anyone says, a necromancer should be adept at handling a large staff. -
The “Wand or Staff” Debate
This is one of those questions more likely to snare the apprentice necromancer. The truth is that a wand and a staff serve different purposes, but that you will seldom see one necromancer wield both. The question is which you feel you will benefit most from.
The experienced death priest will emphasise the importance of maintaining thematically appropriate paraphenalia. The aura of dread you project will be considerably bolstered by your using a wand made of elven fingerbones, perhaps bound tegether with tanned cephalopod skin (additional dread will be added if you can preserve the natural bioluminesence through the tanning process). Carve eldritch sigils along its length in a tiny scrawl to increase its spook-factor.
Remember, the main purpose of a wand is to aid your focus. Your pulpy, worthless hands are fine for a few gestures, but if you need to unleash a torrent of necromantic energy at a target more than a few feet away, a wand is the only thing for the job.
By contrast, it can be harder to find an appropriate staff. While I’ve seen some elegant constructions of ivory or pared-down femur, they run the risk of looking larger-than-life, crossing the border into comedy. That said, a reinforced staff can be used to snare the tattered soul of a defeated rival, whose necromantic powers you can tap to augment your own.
The real question here is one of investment. Should you wish to pursue a long and fruitful career as a liche, you will soon find your bony hands unable to grip something so small and finicky as a wand. Instead, you will be relegated to staves. Don’t worry though, by then your fleshless hands will have a similar precision to a wand.
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Premature Reanimation
Studies suggest that as high as 20% of all necromancers suffer from premature reanimation at some stage in their extended life.
As your body ages, a process often accelerated by the necromantic energies flowing through your wracked mortal frame, the necromancer’s instinctive will to raise dead things will breathe new (un)life into the necrotic tissues. While this may be agonising, there are things you can do:- If enough of your fragile, human biology is intact, you may quaff various analgesic draughts without fear of poisoning, as necromancy is proof against many of the weaknesses of humanity.
- A simple disenchantment will return the reanimated body part to its dead state. There is a chance of relapse during your next dark ritual, but the process can be repeated with some success by any skilled dweomer disentangler.
- If you are having no success with the methods listed above, consider simply allowing the rest of your transient humanity to slip into death, reanimating as you go. This will ease your transition into full lichedom.
